Posts
school until I was married at age 27. Then I threw most all of
them away finding the entries mostly immature and juvenile.
But, now in a health, financial and family crises I find the
need to journal again; writing is a great outlet for stress.
It is a prayer to God also, showing him all my needs and
begging for his assistance.
This is a long entry. But you will find it interesting I think
nonetheless.
June 26, 2010
Monday
I've had breast cancer for two years now, but I think I have
cried only twice over it. I have come to the point in my life
where I'm just too busy living to think about dying. My
whole body wants to make and create: make and create
dinner, art and music. It wants to teach- my children and
everyone's children.
As well, I'm not afraid to die. I'm resigned to God's will -
when I die I figure God knows best - it will be my time.
But somehow deep down I feel that I have a ton more
living to do. I'm going to pull through this - not just for
my five children but for others who need me. I figure God
wanted to teach me some things through all this so I can
help others. I have stage IV cancer in my left breast.
After just five weeks of chemo my breast has shrunk half
the size killing the cancer tissue with it.
I never wanted to go through chemo, just like I never
wanted to lose my children part time or stop home
schooling them. But, I've had to bare all these things
against my will and in the end lift up my hands and
say "God's will be done".
I'm learning He loves to test his creatures. As St.
Therese always says "I'm just His plaything."
As I write I think "how much am I going to share?"
I'm both shy and outgoing, private and public. I
waddle back and forth between the two like a turtles
head in and out of his shell.
That first year and a half I was sick I just wanted to
be alone or with my children only. I had to conserve
my energy. People drained me.
It was private time.
Now after almost six weeks in the hospital and rehab
I want to be surrounded by people. I'm full of energy
after a total transfusion of 4.5 pints of blood for my
anemia and living for months a monk- like existence.
Most of all though I miss my children terribly. Our
summer schedule is out the window of what was
supposed to be half with dad and half with mom.
We have to go week by week now seeing how I feel.
I do have my down days, and evenings are usually
better for me then mornings.
Thursdays I go to chemo so I'm out of it that day.
Today I made Apple Buffallo Picdillo. I put it on
pita bread.
I read recipe's online and printed out some. I love
to cook when I'm up to it.
I spent my month of hospital time watching cooking
shows. My kitchen never looked so inviting after
coming home.
I decided I wanted to host a couple of "Tastefully
Simple" parties this summer. So in the winter
if I am feeling better I can think about being a
consultant.
My 12 year old daughter Maria spent the weekend
with me. We made pita bread pizza's together.
Cucumber yogurt sauce, turkey-chicken sausage,
onions, tomatoes and asiago cheese were the
toppings. Yum, yum!
We watched her favorite movie: "The Waterhorse"
and then some girlie movies: "Steele Magnolia's",
and "Fried Green Tomatoes" skipping over a few
objectional parts.
Friday June 23rd I came home from rehab.
Fernando brought me with all the children.
except Andrew.
We went to Whole Foods. I wanted to start
out my stay home with organics to boost my
immune system.
Did you know they sell coconut yogurt? Yum,
yum! Aside from coconut milk, coconut juice and
coconut oil!
Coconut has been my friend. It fights cancer
like no other food. And to boost it tastes delicious!
Not to mention, nice to my figure and skin.
I love making coconut shakes. My favorite is
blackberry:
1 can coconut milk
1/4 apple juice
3/4 cups frozen blackberries
2 tablespoons almond butter
-Blend in blender.
-Strain into cup (to rid of seeds)
If you don't want to pull seeds
from your teeth.
On Sunday Fernando and the children came
again: Teresa, Joseph and Andrew.
Maria was already here. Andrew stayed at
Fernando's with Abuela and the nanny
because he was "angry at Marcella".
She tore his shirt he said. He was convinced
it was on purpose. After a talk about not
jumping to conclusions I asked him if he was
angry next time to just "save it for later" and
come see mom where we could talk about it.
When Andrew gets angry he lets the world stop.
This is quite inconvenient to those around him.
I pray every day he learns to better work through
through his anger. He has sensitivity issues
where he is oversensitive to taste, touch, and
hearing.
After a yummy brunch of chorizo, strawberries
and whipped cream (home made!) on pumpkin
bread, egg souffle and pineapple (not in the can!)
the children took Fernando down to the basement
and introduced him to their game TOWN.
Fernando was the mayer, Teresa the town clerk,
Ana was my daughter, Joseph was the banker and
Maria was a homeless girl staying at Fernando's.
Of course half way through this acting game Ana
became the doctor at the orphanage, Maria the town
clerk, Teresa a restaurant manager, Joseph the
sheriff, me the Judge and Fernando stayed the mayor.
All in a day!
Time to sleep! VNA nurse comes in the morning
to take my vitals and change my breast dressing.
......
June 27th, 2010
Tuesday
My daughters are so sweet. They gave me two of
their hats and a wig to wear.
I have some scarves and my friend Diane also
brought me some. I'm good to go!
Yes my hair is falling out despite all the predictions
that it wouldn't.
.....
July 2nd, 2010
Friday
Two days ago I weighed 128 lbs. Tonight I weigh
136.5 lbs- What? 4lbs a day!? Or the scale is way
off. Hmm - but I have been probably eating too
much nuts and ice cream in the heat.
The week went by fast. Wednesday night I went to
the cooking demonstration. (strawberry rhubarb pie)
I met a woman from Sommerville there with her 3
daughters. One had down syndrome.
Mostly yuppies there. I felt out of place- mom
of five all by myself. Most people had a date.
I ate a lot of meat. I had ribs for the first time in
my life. I know about time at age 41.
-----
July 1st
Thursday
Fernando took me to chemo (nurses have been
coming all week in the morning to take my vitals
and change my breast dressing).
Fernando and I talked easily again. It was really
nice. I really miss the children.
Teresa, Joseph and Andrew saw Knight and Day
- the spy movie- with Marcella. It was Teresa's
idea. I thought the boys a little young....but
they love action movies. Now I am compelled
to go see it.... a mother's duty to know what
her children are up to... so she can properly
instruct and advise them!
Maria went violin shopping with Ana and dad.
Ana is very enthusiastic about her lessons.
Joseph plays the trumpet, Maria the harp and
Teresa the piano. I imagine Andrew will take
up the drums. Well, back to Thursday.
I had a reaction again to the taxall. This time they
said I passed out. I mean Ginny the nurse said I
passed out for 10 to 15 seconds. (personally I think
I just closed my eyes to rest and didn't feel like
answering).
My doctor came in and said "Three strikes and
you are out! No more taxall!" (I take hercepton also
as I have her2 breast cancer)
That reaction sure is scary!
I could die from it!
I'm very nervous also trying a new medicine.
They took me to the emergency room. Fernando
and I were there until 8pm. The did and EKG
on my heart. But I was fine. Had a hamburger.
Fernando was anxious to get back to the children.
I would be too.
Today, Friday , I went and finally mailed the
Carmelite a thank you in Mexico.
I got a new pair of walking shoes at Payless,
had lunch at The Outback (shrimp, mushroom
and potato pasta with enough leftovers from
it for three days).
I went to Blockbuster and got the movie
"Seven years in Tibet" ( I like learning about
other countries and cultures).
I got "Fly Away Home" something I want to
see with the children and Fernando tomorrow.
I usually go to the library and rent movies but
they didn't have these. We don't have a TV by
choice but we watch movies on the computer
and a tv moniter.
Tonight I cleaned up some more "messes" and
watched "Seven Years in Tibet". I took my
medication of course.
Andrew agreed over the phone that if he gets
angry he will say "I will deal with this later. I'm
going to mom's!"
And when he gets here we will talk about it.
How I love my children. I love them all - they
are sooooooo precious. Even Fernando still
has his charm, amongst all his and our problems.
I think he just needs time alone and learning
lessons with the children to figure it all out...
as it seems do I.
No comments:
Post a Comment