Tired Times

I was so tired this weekend. I slept most of

it away. But, I did make time to bake some

Asian Salisbury Steaks. Each day I try

to make something new. I love to cook!

When I was in the rehab center I watched

all the cooking shows and came home

inspired.

The children are with their dad this week

visiting relatives. Next week they are going

camping. They plan to see me on their

way up north.

Last night I hosted a Tastefully Simple Party

at my home. We had a great time! A

gathering of six of my girlfriends came and

we taste tested about 20 items of food. In

fact, you can try it out also by ordering

from Tastefully Simple online. Post your

purchase by Monday. And put in for

hostess, "Denise"

htttp://www.tastefullysimple.com/web/kgirouard

I'm using this time without the children

to catch up on some things and to plan

my next steps. I cleaned out the last closet

the other day. Now I can see everything

that is inside!

I chose the activities I want to do with

the children when my mom visits in late

August and I signed up for some art classes

for next month: floral painting, One Stroke

painting and I'm thinking about one class

in mosaics.

Being I can't work at the moment, I've decided

to work on some new skills and as I mentioned

in my other blog about hosting an Art

appreciation workshop.

Last night I made more specific notes

about appreciating art:

-Ask about a painting:

who, what, when, where and why?

-What reaction does it give?

-What emotions does it convey?

-What medium is used?

-Does it reflect reality or fantasy?

-What or who is the central figure?

-What era is the painting from?

-Does it tell a story?

I showed my friend Donna all my art books

and a curriculum for teaching about Norman

Rockwell's art that I created when I home-

schooled my children. We discussed how

I might publish it- oh dear, another big

project! Oh, I love it!

I went to the breast cancer specialist today.

She said that most likely I won't need surgery,

but we will see.

The Cancer Center gave me another free

case of Ensure. They want me to consume

100 grams of protein a day. I find this very

hard to do and reading in a health journal

that our bodies can only process 6 grams

of protein at a time, I wonder hmmmm.. it

just doesn't calculate.

On top of it, Ensure is full of soy which

everyone touts is soooo good for you. (Oh,

by the way, Ensure is a protein drink. I like

the vanilla flavor.) But all the health reports

say it's toxic, causes cancer etc. Go figure.

Who's right?

I know it's a lazy way for me to get protein.

But, I wonder is it really helping? Ensure

is full of lots of vitamins and minerals too;

don't mind that.

Well, I was going to go to a Chef Series

event tonight, but instead I've decided to

call my children and work on my art workshop.

I'm just in the mood to be home.

Home sweet home! How I love my home!

Especially when the children are here!

Time with Teresa

Here is my latest journal entry detailing time

with my children and an extra special time

with my oldest, Teresa.

July 22nd

Thursday

Ginny, my nurse said I looked great today.

I had no reaction at all with the chemo.

I brainstormed for an Art Appreciation

Workshop that I want to have at the Cancer

Center.

This week I talked Fernando into letting

Teresa stay Sunday to Wednesday with

me. We had great fun.

We spent a weekend together a few weeks

ago. I took her to the Chelmsford Fair for

the 4th of July where Fernando, Abuela and

the other children met us.

I've been having the children one at a time

overnight. Fernando brings them all on a

Friday or Saturday and then leaves one whom

he picks up on Sunday bringing the other

children for another visit.

On Maria's weekend she helped me a lot

as it was my first weekend home from the

hospital and I was having dizzy spells.

I never figured out why.

On Ana's weekend we watched Beatrix

Potter movies of her stories. I had read all

the Beatrix Potter stories to all the other

children. I was happy Ana could be exp-

osed finally to these delightful stories with

a moral.

You may remember Peter Rabbit. That was

written by Beatrix Potter. I have also the

biographical movie "Miss Potter".

If I was to ever finish college I would major

in art and children's literature.

On Joseph's weekend I took him to Supercuts

for a haircut. He had been refusing to do so

for weeks. I just drove up and walked him in

and said "Resign. It will grow back."

He had refused he said because it took away

from his playtime.

After the haircut we had German crepes at

IHOP and drove around the lake. I took him

to the grotto to say a prayer. That night I showed

him a blue butterfly movie, "The Blue Morpho"

that is set in Costa Rica.

I thought he would like it since it had parrots in

it and exotic animals which he loves. He said it

was boring, "Not enough action."

In the movie a boy with brain cancer's one desire

is to catch the blue butterfly. In the end he doesn't

die and his tumors disappear.

The next day I took Joseph to Confession and Mass-

something we haven't been able to do for months

because of my illness.

When the children came to get Joseph Andrew

was all sad.

I made them French toast for dinner. Then we went

in the basement to play Town- a charade game they

made up and love to play.

When it was time to leave Andrew and Ana didn't

want to go. Who can blame them? Children

miss their mom.

Andrew was upset because he knew he had to

wait now for three weeks for his weekend with me

because Fernando's brother was coming to visit

and then Fernando was taking the children camping.

I walked him to the car, gave him a hug. It's so nice to

be able to hug the children again normally. For so

long they couldn't because of the pain from my

surgery.

So, now Teresa was with me. She is growing

up- a teenager. We enjoy each others company

and I hope to keep it that way. She still confides

in me her little troubles.

I listen with non judgement and then giver her my

advice that she seems to think makes sense. Logic

and a knack of common sense go a long way!

On Monday I took her clothes shopping. Tuesday

we went to the Concord museum and Colonial

Inn where we looked for paper dolls in old fashioned

clothes.

Since Teresa was three she has had this ongoing

study of old things- old fashions, old times.

She draws dresses of her own, plays with dolls

and paper dolls of ages gone by.

I see it as her personal therapy - her way to deal with

our family crises of loss, a split family.

Her play like this which I let her do for hours on

end helps here "work it all out."

She has had much strain on her way too much-

playing mom at dads house.

It has been too much a burden and her siblings

take advantage and don't listen to her.

Teresa has become bitter toward them.

Every weekend she is with me and on the phone

during the week we work on charity. I tell her

her reward is in heaven- she must love her

siblings even if she doesn't like their behaviors.

She must keep her opinions to herself instead

of constantly putting them down.

Being critical is a hard habit to overcome and I

haven't been constantly there to help her break of it.

We all have a tendancy to do this... it is human

nature. But something we have to overcome

to be good people.

Teresa though has so many good qualities also.

She can rise to a challenge when she wants.

She still is so sweet inside and has a lot of common

sense.

She loves her Faith and in many ways is a

contemplative. Why she finds the noise of her

siblings hard to deal with. She needs more

privacy. Having her own room is a big help but

I tell her she has to be kind to her siblings- when

she comes back to their world downstairs in play.

On Wednesday I took her back to dads. But first

we went to the science museum and saw the

Butterfly exhibit and the omnimax movies Whales

and Arabia.

Though we are Catholic I try to educate my

children about people of other Faiths so they

will treat them with charity.

Though we don't worship with them, we must

love them as they need God's saving grace

also.

The night before Teresa and I watched two

other Arabian movies "The Black Stallion

Returns", and "Arabian Knights".

Yes, I do watch a lot of movies these days.

It's hard to do much else when you are sick

and tired.

Reading is an extra effort. Though, I have

read many books while being sick- mostly

the lives of the Saints and educational books

related to the teaching of children and adults.

Aside from Mona Brooks books on drawing

lately I've been reading "Designed to Faith

Catholic Education in America" by Steve

Kellmeyer.

It's about how and why the parochial schools

have failed and why the homeschool

movement is more align with the Gospels-

with Jesus plan for children.

They were meant to be taught by their parents.

Catholic schools were for older children (who

were back then at age 12 considered adults)

or for the Catholic education of pagan children

who's parents didn't know the Faith to transmit

it to them.

St. Alphonsus Ligori always said "Education

is the Faith." - So different from the world of

secularism.

In other words the true end of true education is

to love God, serve Him and go to heaven and

go to Heaven to spend eternity with Him.

The end of secular education is praise, prestige,

to make a lot of money and to be successful

in the world.

It's focus is earthly things that won't save your soul.

Catholics need both -(or I should say, all souls

need both) as they do need money and property

to raise a family- but it needs to be in moderation

and the main goal always is to be in heaven-

in union with God by following a life of virtue

instead of vice.

It is why Catholics don't fear death because

death means heaven and heaven means a new

life Forever as God intended before the fall of

Adam and Eve.

But we have to follow his moral code to get there

and confess when we don't to have even a

chance.

Ours is a comforting and beautiful pious religion

which brings us great peace when we follow

Our Lords footsteps.

But back to my book- it says that the Catholic

have failed in the USA because they take

the children away from their parents too young

and because the schools have been modeled

after the secular school's in many bad ways

even with their Catholic element.

But you will have to read the book to see why.

I should my thoughts with Teresa and she says

"Mom, you like to talk."

I laugh and say thats because I'm alone too much.

Normally I'd be with my family every day and

now I'm forced to be in this abnormal split family

existance.

I save up lots to say with no one around half the

week living in silence in a contemplative

Carmelite spirit.

I took Teresa also to the St. Joseph's Shrine.

I said "say a prayer to God in front of your

favorite Saint." She said a prayer in front

of all the saint statues. Good girl.

Then she lit many candles at the Our Lady

of Lourdes Grotto. "I like lighting candles"

she said.

Me too. We have lots to pray about.

Blogger Buzz: Blogger integrates with Amazon Associates

Blogger Buzz: Blogger integrates with Amazon Associates

Before and After Photo's

There was a good chance I wouldn't lose my hair

during chemo. But, I have. Well, most of it. I have

a thin veiling of hair left and some of it still long.

Here is a before and after picture.

Before is to the right.

After is to the left.

From My Journal

This blog is from my first journal entry. I kept a journal from middle

school until I was married at age 27. Then I threw most all of

them away finding the entries mostly immature and juvenile.

But, now in a health, financial and family crises I find the

need to journal again; writing is a great outlet for stress.

It is a prayer to God also, showing him all my needs and

begging for his assistance.

This is a long entry. But you will find it interesting I think

nonetheless.

June 26, 2010

Monday

I've had breast cancer for two years now, but I think I have

cried only twice over it. I have come to the point in my life

where I'm just too busy living to think about dying. My

whole body wants to make and create: make and create

dinner, art and music. It wants to teach- my children and

everyone's children.

As well, I'm not afraid to die. I'm resigned to God's will -

when I die I figure God knows best - it will be my time.

But somehow deep down I feel that I have a ton more

living to do. I'm going to pull through this - not just for

my five children but for others who need me. I figure God

wanted to teach me some things through all this so I can

help others. I have stage IV cancer in my left breast.

After just five weeks of chemo my breast has shrunk half

the size killing the cancer tissue with it.

I never wanted to go through chemo, just like I never

wanted to lose my children part time or stop home

schooling them. But, I've had to bare all these things

against my will and in the end lift up my hands and

say "God's will be done".

I'm learning He loves to test his creatures. As St.

Therese always says "I'm just His plaything."

As I write I think "how much am I going to share?"

I'm both shy and outgoing, private and public. I

waddle back and forth between the two like a turtles

head in and out of his shell.

That first year and a half I was sick I just wanted to

be alone or with my children only. I had to conserve

my energy. People drained me.

It was private time.

Now after almost six weeks in the hospital and rehab

I want to be surrounded by people. I'm full of energy

after a total transfusion of 4.5 pints of blood for my

anemia and living for months a monk- like existence.

Most of all though I miss my children terribly. Our

summer schedule is out the window of what was

supposed to be half with dad and half with mom.

We have to go week by week now seeing how I feel.

I do have my down days, and evenings are usually

better for me then mornings.

Thursdays I go to chemo so I'm out of it that day.

Today I made Apple Buffallo Picdillo. I put it on

pita bread.

I read recipe's online and printed out some. I love

to cook when I'm up to it.

I spent my month of hospital time watching cooking

shows. My kitchen never looked so inviting after

coming home.

I decided I wanted to host a couple of "Tastefully

Simple" parties this summer. So in the winter

if I am feeling better I can think about being a

consultant.

My 12 year old daughter Maria spent the weekend

with me. We made pita bread pizza's together.

Cucumber yogurt sauce, turkey-chicken sausage,

onions, tomatoes and asiago cheese were the

toppings. Yum, yum!

We watched her favorite movie: "The Waterhorse"

and then some girlie movies: "Steele Magnolia's",

and "Fried Green Tomatoes" skipping over a few

objectional parts.

Friday June 23rd I came home from rehab.

Fernando brought me with all the children.

except Andrew.

We went to Whole Foods. I wanted to start

out my stay home with organics to boost my

immune system.

Did you know they sell coconut yogurt? Yum,

yum! Aside from coconut milk, coconut juice and

coconut oil!

Coconut has been my friend. It fights cancer

like no other food. And to boost it tastes delicious!

Not to mention, nice to my figure and skin.

I love making coconut shakes. My favorite is

blackberry:

1 can coconut milk

1/4 apple juice

3/4 cups frozen blackberries

2 tablespoons almond butter

-Blend in blender.

-Strain into cup (to rid of seeds)

If you don't want to pull seeds

from your teeth.

On Sunday Fernando and the children came

again: Teresa, Joseph and Andrew.

Maria was already here. Andrew stayed at

Fernando's with Abuela and the nanny

because he was "angry at Marcella".

She tore his shirt he said. He was convinced

it was on purpose. After a talk about not

jumping to conclusions I asked him if he was

angry next time to just "save it for later" and

come see mom where we could talk about it.

When Andrew gets angry he lets the world stop.

This is quite inconvenient to those around him.

I pray every day he learns to better work through

through his anger. He has sensitivity issues

where he is oversensitive to taste, touch, and

hearing.

After a yummy brunch of chorizo, strawberries

and whipped cream (home made!) on pumpkin

bread, egg souffle and pineapple (not in the can!)

the children took Fernando down to the basement

and introduced him to their game TOWN.

Fernando was the mayer, Teresa the town clerk,

Ana was my daughter, Joseph was the banker and

Maria was a homeless girl staying at Fernando's.

Of course half way through this acting game Ana

became the doctor at the orphanage, Maria the town

clerk, Teresa a restaurant manager, Joseph the

sheriff, me the Judge and Fernando stayed the mayor.

All in a day!

Time to sleep! VNA nurse comes in the morning

to take my vitals and change my breast dressing.

......

June 27th, 2010

Tuesday

My daughters are so sweet. They gave me two of

their hats and a wig to wear.

I have some scarves and my friend Diane also

brought me some. I'm good to go!

Yes my hair is falling out despite all the predictions

that it wouldn't.

.....

July 2nd, 2010

Friday

Two days ago I weighed 128 lbs. Tonight I weigh

136.5 lbs- What? 4lbs a day!? Or the scale is way

off. Hmm - but I have been probably eating too

much nuts and ice cream in the heat.

The week went by fast. Wednesday night I went to

the cooking demonstration. (strawberry rhubarb pie)

I met a woman from Sommerville there with her 3

daughters. One had down syndrome.

Mostly yuppies there. I felt out of place- mom

of five all by myself. Most people had a date.

I ate a lot of meat. I had ribs for the first time in

my life. I know about time at age 41.

-----

July 1st

Thursday

Fernando took me to chemo (nurses have been

coming all week in the morning to take my vitals

and change my breast dressing).

Fernando and I talked easily again. It was really

nice. I really miss the children.

Teresa, Joseph and Andrew saw Knight and Day

- the spy movie- with Marcella. It was Teresa's

idea. I thought the boys a little young....but

they love action movies. Now I am compelled

to go see it.... a mother's duty to know what

her children are up to... so she can properly

instruct and advise them!

Maria went violin shopping with Ana and dad.

Ana is very enthusiastic about her lessons.

Joseph plays the trumpet, Maria the harp and

Teresa the piano. I imagine Andrew will take

up the drums. Well, back to Thursday.

I had a reaction again to the taxall. This time they

said I passed out. I mean Ginny the nurse said I

passed out for 10 to 15 seconds. (personally I think

I just closed my eyes to rest and didn't feel like

answering).

My doctor came in and said "Three strikes and

you are out! No more taxall!" (I take hercepton also

as I have her2 breast cancer)

That reaction sure is scary!

I could die from it!

I'm very nervous also trying a new medicine.

They took me to the emergency room. Fernando

and I were there until 8pm. The did and EKG

on my heart. But I was fine. Had a hamburger.

Fernando was anxious to get back to the children.

I would be too.

Today, Friday , I went and finally mailed the

Carmelite a thank you in Mexico.

I got a new pair of walking shoes at Payless,

had lunch at The Outback (shrimp, mushroom

and potato pasta with enough leftovers from

it for three days).

I went to Blockbuster and got the movie

"Seven years in Tibet" ( I like learning about

other countries and cultures).

I got "Fly Away Home" something I want to

see with the children and Fernando tomorrow.

I usually go to the library and rent movies but

they didn't have these. We don't have a TV by

choice but we watch movies on the computer

and a tv moniter.

Tonight I cleaned up some more "messes" and

watched "Seven Years in Tibet". I took my

medication of course.

Andrew agreed over the phone that if he gets

angry he will say "I will deal with this later. I'm

going to mom's!"

And when he gets here we will talk about it.

How I love my children. I love them all - they

are sooooooo precious. Even Fernando still

has his charm, amongst all his and our problems.

I think he just needs time alone and learning

lessons with the children to figure it all out...

as it seems do I.

Family Financial Woes

This week I have been applying for financial assistance.

Here is my latest post about our family woes. See

my websites with donation tabs (to the right of this blog

at the top) if you can help us out.

The letter that my doctor wrote sounds like the rings of

death but I feel very much alive. I even mowed the lawn

this week instead of taking my walk:

"This letter is to certify that Ms. Denise .......... is under my

current care for advanced, recurrent, metastic breast

cancer which is HER 2 positive and pulmonary embolism.

She is currently receiving weekly outpatient Taxal chemo-

therapy and monoclonal antibody therapy with hercepton.

....... She is the mother of 5 young children and due to her

medical condition and treatment is currently 100% disabled

to work.

I would strongly support her application for financial

assistance through your cancer outreach center......."

I love my doctor. She is one of the kindest people I have

ever met. She is an immigrant from Germany and just

became a United States citizen.

The main reasons I can't work are: my children, fatigue,

and loss of strength and motion in my left arm from a

lumpectomy in my left breast and arm pit 1.5 years ago.

My OT comes three days a week to help me regain that

motion. That ends next week and then I am responsible

for the exercises on my own.

Dear Board of Directors:

Enclosed is the requested physicians letter. The last fifteen years I have been

a stay at home mother raising my children now ages 6 to almost fourteen.

Six years ago my husband left me and we have been sharing custody since.

Two years ago when I saw my dwindling bank savings from a settlement

and realized I needed to start working, I got sick with breast cancer making

it hard to think of even working with continuous fatigue and then pain and

lack of range of motion from a lumpectomy surgery.

Starting last September I had to start putting purchases, gas and groceries

on credit cards to save my savings for monthly bills. In January I sold

our van to pay off these debts.

But then I had to start over on my credit cards. Now down to $400, begging

money from friends and applying for govt. assistance, this credit card debt

is looming over my head. It is my biggest worry. Enclosed you will find

my latest bill for it. (now about $11,000 with about $15,000 debt total on

all my cards)

Any help is appreciated toward this bill.

Also if you know of any other organization where I can apply for financial

assistance send them my way. I will be applying for heat assistance in

November. I have applied for disability for MassHealth (I have court

ordered insurance also), am currently also applying for food stamps

and welfare.

Your gas cards sound appealing also. I mostly use Mobil here where I live.

Thanks so much!

-Denise Michelle